We’ve all been caught short once or twice in the great outdoors. Mostly, it’s number ones, but every now and again a number two crops up. How to cope with the situation, in a sustainable, socially responsible and most of all discreet way? Jeremy Torr digs the dirt on pooping in the boondocks.

Outdoors, November 2019. Doing a dump in the wild (how many ways to describe this process are there??!!) is sometimes a necessity. However, your business can potentially ruin somebody else’s walk, pollute water sources, spread infections and definitely ruin the view (and the smells of nature). An informed and prepared approach makes sense.

First, ask yourself if you really have to go. Preparing by visiting the nearest loo before you go walkies makes more sense than struggling in the wild, or suffering major discomfort as you clench. Nothing ruins a walk more; if possible, don’t go in the wild.

Second, prepare. Facing an emergency situation with no paper, wash options or suitable place is terrible. Pack the basics: biodegradeable natural paper, hand sanitiser bottles (horrible plastic, but they do the job). NEVER use wet wipes as they are worse for the environment than a bag full of anthrax powder. You can burn paper too.

Third, think ahead. Wear loose clothing. Tight tights, multi-layer zipless pants and flappy waterproofs all add to the burden and distractions when you need them least.

OK, let’s assume you are prepared in case last night’s meal wants to make an urgent reappearance - what are the rules?

Try to get at least 100m away from water, the walking trail, viewpoints, other tents if you are camping, and ideally somewhere out of line of sight (or wind) of any of the previous. And don’t select the first obvious spot; it could have been used previously, with unpleasant consequences if it has been.

Avoid bushy areas if you can. Thorns, flapping leaves and creeping insects will make things less than pleasant, although some hardy types spray the exposed areas with insect repellent before squatting. Rather them than me.

Choose the terrain/incline carefully. Watching run-off slowly approaching your shoes halfway through the process is unnerving to say the least. Likewise wind direction; the by-products of a strong gust can catch out newbie squatters. Higher ground is also best – it lets you spot approaching visitors.

Mark your intentions. Leave a marker (backpack, toilet roll, scarf) on the trail nearest your action station. That way, nobody else is likely to accidentally blunder into your business park. Also, other walkers will know you didn’t accidentally get lost and come searching.

Bury (or burn) your paper leftovers. Windblown wipes can travel a long way and ruin the look/feel/smell of the whole area. When you are done, wash up. If you don’t have sanitizer, wash your hands in a fast running stream, but never in still ponds, and well away from any drinking water. That way any residue/germs get safely washed away and diluted.

But the key aspect remains (delicately) unmentioned, thus far. How?

By far the best approach, and most sustainable, is to use a cat hole. Watch a cat at work. It will scratch a shallow hole, fill it with smelly stuff, then scratch again to cover everything with a layer of dirt. This helps the poop break down using dirt-borne microbes and helps avoid later accidental (and unpleasant) rediscoveries.

As most humans don’t have claws sharp enough to dig a hole, a small trowel or big stick can be used to dig a fist sized hole, and twice as deep. Look for easy to dig soil if you can, this will have more bacteria than dry hard stuff. Keep the extracted dirt right next to the hole, so that once you have squatted over it (check carefully for alignment) and filled it with your surplus, you can simply scrape the loose soil on top of poop and paper. Easy!

Real-time cat hole tips:

• Put the toilet paper safely within reach. This is a lesson you may well learn the hard way.

• Pull your clothes completely, absolutely out of the way. If you don’t, a souvenir of the event could linger.

• Get stable – cling onto a nearby branch if needed. Wobbling on the job is not a good thing.

• Don’t rush. Starting and stopping peristalsis is harder in the bush.

• If somebody approaches, shout. Embarrassed silence and discovery is not good for the psyche.

And remember, the toilet was only invented just over 400 years ago. Humans have been squatting sustainably in the forest for around 250,000 years - that means you are maintaining a proud tradition. Make sure you do a good job.